Cor Mortem Dulcens
by abby-sarajane
Summary: Previously I Told You So. A year can be a very long time to live through. Even if you've barely lived through it. Reno supposes that being drunk for a year technically counts as being alive. Oneshot. Character death.


A/N: I've been reading a lot of Reno/Rude fics where Rude dies, and while at first I was tempted to challenge that area by killing Reno, I realized that I wasn't just depressed yesterday, I was fucking pissed off. So Rude kicked it, and Reno not only helped out my rage by getting seriously drunk and screaming at nothing, he was unhappy too. I felt better. I'm a horrible person. XD

Maybe next time, Rude won't die. We'll see. Muahaha.

* * *

"Stupid fuck." 

The redhead was drunk off his ass again. The bartender considered having the large bouncer at the door throw him out. Again.

Why the little shit came back here every Friday night was anyone's guess. He was sullen, silent, drank himself stupid and hit on anyone. Well, just about anyone.

He tended to stick to the darker-skinned men. Ones like the bouncer who kept throwing him out on his ass.

"You grew hair, man," he told the last one he'd tried to feel up, his words slurred and barely intelligible. "I liked ya better bald."

The bartender didn't remember, but he hadn't been here long enough. One of the regs knew, and shook his head. "Don't say anything," he told the bartender. "Just let him go. It's better."

"The fuck it is," the other man retorted. "He's scarin' off all the paying customers."

For whatever damn-fool reason, the previous bartender had told the redhead that he'd had free run of the place. Despite the fact that it had changed hands, the redhead didn't care.

Most of the time, he was too drunk to know his own name, much less who owned the bar currently.

"Shut up," the reg said, shaking his head. "He's Turk. Just let him have what he wants and leave him the fuck alone."

The bartender grumbled, but he knew better than to fuck with Turks. Even half-dead, drunk ones.

The Turk was too pale, tattooed scars standing out brighter than normal on waxy-white cheeks. His hair flopped forward into his face as he nursed his drink. He wasn't hitting on anyone tonight.

The bartender was actually a little disturbed about that. Who knew what the guy was planning. He was Turk. They might all be walking dead men at this moment.

Suddenly he looked up, glacial blue eyes blank and unseeing. He pointed at the bouncer, hand shaking. "You're a son of a bitch, Rude! You're a fucking son of a bitch, and I'd fucking kill you myself, you got that? You fucking bastard!"

The bouncer simply looked cool and collected, as was his job. That only pissed off the redhead more, and he chucked his beer at the man. "Fuck you! Fuck you and your fucking shades! Fuck you and your fucking perfection! Fuck you- just- fuck-" His rage shattered like the bottle against the wall, and he slumped, curling into a ball on the chair. "Fuck." He said again, voice a hoarse whisper.

Frowning, the bartender gestured for someone to clean up the mess. That was _not_ the bouncer's name.

"Excuse me."

He turned, blinking at the Wutaian man who stood at the bar. He felt his lips trying to peel back in a snarl, and forced it back. The man wore a crisp navy-blue uniform, just as the red-headed Turk did. So he was a Turk too. _Shit._

"What can I do for you?"

"It wasn't my _fault_!" The redhead exploded again, lunging to his feet, overturning the table. "You stupid fuck! What the hell? Why didn't you _listen_ to me?"

"I think there's something I can do for you," The Wutaian said quietly, looking past the bartender to the other Turk. "We'll take it from here."

Out of the corner of his eye, the barkeep noticed at small blonde girl, dressed identically to the man, cautiously approach the raving drunk in the corner.

"Reno?" her voice was pitched low, soothing. "Reno, come on..."

"Fuck it," the red-head- so Reno was his name- swung his fist at the air. "Fuck it! Yanno, I've had it with you, Rude, I've fuckin' had it! You- you went an'- an' now you're fuckin'- leave me the fuck alone, yo!"

"Reno, it's Elena..." The blonde took a step forward, and was rewarded with a chair missing her head by inches as she ducked.

"_I know who you fucking are_!" Reno exploded, causing the bar to go completely silent. "You come to take me away again? Huh? Like you fuckin' took me away last time? And the time before that? And the _fucking time before that one_, huh?" He jabbed a finger at the girl, who had taken an automatic step back. "Well fuck you, Turk! I'm not goin' back this time! Not this fuckin' time! You can fucking shove Shin-Ra and you can fucking shove Turk, and you can fucking shove your fuckin' offer right up my-"

"That's enough."

The Wutaian man had left the bar, and was now standing beside the woman, who looked extremely grateful. His tone held the air of an order, one that _must_ be obeyed. "This has gone on quite enough, Reno."

"Fuck you, Tseng," Reno shot back. "What do you fuckin' know? You got your pretty little partner right where you want her, all yours to fuck and toss aside when the boss calls. You don't even fucking _know_ what it's like."

Tseng's expression didn't change, but his lips thinned, and his hands curled into fists. The blonde looked sad, but hastily covered it with a worried expression. "Reno, this has been going on for a year now..."

"A year ago t'day." The fire died. The redhead sat down hard, forgetting that he'd thrown his chair at Elena's head. "A fuckin' year."

"I am not telling you to stop grieving," Tseng began, only to be cut off instantly.

"The fuck do you know?" Reno repeated, without emotion. "Stupid fuck. Both of ya, stupid fucks. 'm not supposed to be here..." Shivering, he curled into a tiny a ball as he could manage, as if by making himself small, they would forget about him.

"Reno," Elena began, very quietly, "Rude-"

That brought him to his feet again, hands fisted. "Don't you say it, bitch!" And the woman recoiled, clearly shocked. "Don't you say _anything_! Don't you say his name! Don't you fucking tell me that he- that he d- that he-"

_"Reno, no!"_

"Let me go! Let me the fuck go!"

Tseng, fucking Tseng, holding him back, keeping him away. "Stand down, Turk!"

"Fuck you and your orders! Fuck you! Let me go! Rude!"

No chance. 

All three stood silent, reliving the same moment, all with different expressions, different emotions. It was Reno who spoke again, his voice flat.

"I'm never forgivin' either of you."

"It was what _he_ wanted," Tseng said, voice equally flat. "It was what Shachou wanted."

"Yeah, and the good dog you are, you always fuckin' obey." Reno spat at Tseng's feet. "Well fuck you. I quit."

He spun on his heel, took two steps, and fell face-forward, unconscious.

With identical sighs, the two conscious Turks picked up their fallen comrade, and carried him out the of the bar.

The bartender, relieved that the menace was gone, turned to the regular he'd been speaking to. "So what's up with him?"

Shrugging, the man drank what was in his glass. "Lost his partner. Almost died himself. Fucked his mind over real good. Used to be both of 'em'd be in here at the same time, all over each other. Then one day, he shows up alone, gets smashed and starts screamin' at the air, wailin' about how he was betrayed, an' how he's never gonna forgive his partner."

"Fuck." Flat surprise, a shake of the head. "Poor bastard."

"Yeah, guess they were pretty close." With a shrug, the man stood. "Well, now you know to just hand him the bottle and hope he doesn't blow anything up."

The bartender decided that, if the man ever came back, that would be for the best.

-

Reno's head hurt. A lot. He rolled over, wondering why the bed was so cold, and why it smelled odd, and wondered where the fuck was-

-was Rude-

-was dead-

_Fuck._

For a year now, he'd been waking up that way. The first few weeks, it hadn't been nearly so bad, waking up. He hadn't changed the sheets; they'd still smelled faintly of his partner, and he could pretend, just for a moment, that he was in the shower, or taking a piss, or making breakfast, or out on an early shift, or fucking playing golf with Rufus fucking Shin-Ra, anything but the truth.

Anything but waking up to a cold bed and the fact that Rude was dead. Rude was dead. Rude was _fucking dead_ and nothing was going to bring him back.

But the sheets had to be changed at some point. Now the smell of Rude was all but gone, the apartment was in shambles from too many nights coming back drunk and trashing the place... Too many nights where he'd just bring home anyone to fuck, just closing his eyes and trying to pretend that it was Rude, but it _wasn't_ Rude, it was just some stupid fucking whore he'd picked up somewhere, and who cared what he got, because if it was something serious, he could just die and then he'd be back with Rude...

_Fuck._ Reno rolled onto his back, forcing back tears. Rude wouldn't want him like this. Rude would take one look at him and go "What the _fuck_?" and throw him back. Rude loved Reno's strength, his power, his laugh-at-life attitude...

...the same attitude that had gotten him killed...

_Goddammit, Rude!_ Reno mentally wailed. _You're such a fucking idiot!_

Rude would have handed this so much better, he couldn't help but think. Rude would've just thrown himself into work, literally. He wouldn't have wallowed around in self-pity like this for a year.

But Reno couldn't pull himself up. Rude was the stabilizing factor. Reno was a candle, but without Rude there to shelter him from the wind, he just blew himself out, like the dumb fuckwit that he was.

He needed Rude.

But Rude was gone.

"Reno?" His heart leapt into his throat, but he forced it down.

"Elena."

He was proud of the fact that his voice was very flat. _Go away, Elena. Fuck, I'm such a bastard for what I said to you..._

"How do you feel?" She sat down on the bed next to him, and he wanted to laugh, wanted to scream, wanted to snarl at her, tell her to get the fuck off the bed because that was _Rude's side_ and how dare she fucking touch it...

"Hungover," he managed to say instead, silencing the screaming voices in his head. He was rewarded with a tiny smile from Elena.

"Tseng made breakfast," she offered quietly. "I brought you coffee."

Reno sat quietly, eyes unfocused and blank. "Thanks." He took it and downed it without thinking about it. His fingers drummed against the bed as he drank the coffee, ignoring the headache that throbbed in his temples.

"Tseng-" Elena began, then stopped, biting her lip.

"Spit it out, Rookie," Reno snapped, harsher than he'd intended. "What does dot-head think of me now, huh?" His tone turned bitter. "That I'm a fucking disgrace to the uniform? That I'm useless? That I'm washed up?"

Elena shook her head, and when she spoke again, her voice was a whisper. "Tseng and I- we- we were going to go- see him today... If you wanted..."

Reno bit back any amount of angry things he could say. He'd been nasty enough to Elena, when in reality, he realized, she'd only wanted to help him. _Sorry, 'Lena. Rude would beat the shit out of me if-_

Instead, he chose his words with care. "I won't ever go there," he said finally. "'Cause that ain't Rude. Just some stupid shell, stupid... fucking... thing Shin-Ra put there."

After a moment, he licked his lips and tried again, stroking the sheets. "It ain't Rude... 'cause... I... it's just..."

Elena shook her head. "I understand," she stood up, taking his empty mug. "I'm sorry, Reno."

"Stop apologizing," Reno snapped, then rubbed his forehead. "' m the one who should apologize to you. 'm a dumbass. Sorry."

"I'll live." Elena managed a weak smile, then bit her lip and hurried away.

Reno sat quietly with his head between his knees. _Yo, Rude... Rude... I miss you. Man, I'd be worried, if I hadn't seen the lifestream myself that day. But that's where you are, yo, isn't it?_

He frowned slowly, shifting his weight as something nagged at his memory.

"_...and he was so dead, but they took his body and put it in that church, where the spring came up, and fuck me if he didn't come back to life..."_

Reno was on his feet before he knew it. He started to go out the bedroom door, then thought better of it, slipping out the window instead. He didn't want tag-alongs. Tseng and Elena were welcome to the apartment. Maybe they could clean it up for him, so that Rude wouldn't shoot him in the head when he saw him again.

-

The church was more of a wreck than Reno had thought it would be. But apparently, it was treated like some kind of holy shrine, and not that he could blame anyone.

_Brings people back from the dead. Fuck. Fuck, if only I'd thought-_

He touched the water- it felt like water. Nothing special. He didn't glow. No God or Goddess erupted from the depths. Rude didn't appear, alive and naked as the day he was born.

It was just a fucking spring full of fucking spring water. Nothing special.

Reno's hands balled up into fists, and before he really thought about what he was doing, he hauled back and punched the water. Cool spray flew everywhere, momentarily blinding him. He blamed the trails of water running from his eyes on the spring, never mind that they were salt water, not the fresh, clear water of the pool.

He stood and turned in one swift movement, scrubbing at his face. "Fuck you," he spat. "You're a fucking liar. You fucking- you- I hate you-"

_Reno._

Reno froze, for just a moment. He almost turned back, almost. For an instant, he wanted to try again, to _force_ the water to give up some kind of secret that would let him see his lover, just one more time... just once more as _Rude_ and not the mangled corpse riddled with shrapnel and bullet holes and oh, Gods, so much blood and they didn't even try to save him, didn't try life support, and why, oh, Gaia, why...

_Reno..._

_No._ He ground his teeth, hands fisted. "You're a fucking lie. You're a fucking lie, the fucking planet fucking hates me, and you're dead. You're fucking dead! You're dead... and I'm alone."

That was the first time he'd said it, he realized. "I'm alone." He repeated, softer now. "Fuck it all. I am fucking alone."

For what seemed like the first time in a year, he took a deep breath. The air was different in here; cleaner, more fresh. He straightened up, feeling his vertebrae pop.

"I'm alone. But I'm alive, yo." He nodded firmly. "I'm alive, and I'm gonna go back to work. I'm gonna do what you would, Rude... I'm gonna be the Turk you thought I was."

He lit a cigarette and smirked, tossing it behind him into the pool. _And if I happen to bite the big one on a mission... well... who the fuck cares? I'll die like you did, aibou. Only I'll do it better. Flashier. With more finesse. Ha!_

Laughing,- and, if that laughter had the underlying edge of insanity to it, well, no one had ever said Reno was sane, and sanity was not required on the Turk resume- he walked casually out of the church.

Behind him, the pool rippled, and the match vanished.

_I'm sorry, Reno._

_

* * *

_A/N 2: This is one of those rare fics that I wrote in half an hour that I sit back and reread a couple of times, and realize that I really _like_ it. So review, if you're so kind?_  
_


End file.
